Because She's scared and it kills her
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: She's crying. Not only has she just lost the man she loves but she's lost her best friend. She looks over at him, lying there in the street, bleeding out, dying. She doesn't know how but she somehow she managed to move herself over to him. She wanted to apologize she wanted him to know how sorry she was but his eyes were closed.
1. Chapter 1

In this moment, she knows. She knows how crazy she is for this man. How crazy he makes her, but that's okay because she loves him. She realizes that deep inside she's always been in love with him. Through the good and bad and the annoying... and _all_ the trust phases. And the love she has for him runs _everywhere_ throughout her body, **deep** within her soul, warming every single inch of her.

The love she has for him is deep and real and unconditional and genuine and absolute and irrefutable and indubitable and enticing and beautiful and alluring and above it all..._it hurt_.

It kills her not to be able to tell him. And she knows how crazy it must be to love someone that much...but she...she just doesn't care. She loves him so much that it hurts. And yes she knows how cliche that sounds but she can't help that it's true.

Castle got to her. _He got to her. _

He bombarded his way into her life by somehow sneaked his way past her walls and managed to crawl his way into her heart. And there he intends to stay no matter if she were to run again and push him away. He's escaped into the deep corridors of her heart and built a fortress around himself, not ever wanting to leave. He danced around in there causing her heart to beat frantically every time she's with him.

He knows her. He _really knows_ her. They've only been together a few times but in those times he's learned and memorized her body. He knows her inside and out. He knows every freckle, every bump, every curve, every scar. He knows that in the morning when she stretches she puts her arms above her head and laces her fingers together for a fraction of a second. He knows her knees crack when she's had them bent too long. He knows on Tuesdays is when she has hair trouble. He knows that whenever she plays with her fingers she's hungry. He knows that she so desperately craves a family. He knows that she curls her fingers and toes whenever they share a moment. He knows when she bits her lips that she's either nervous, excited, or scared. He knows that she keeps her hair down so she can hide her face whenever she blushes. He knows that she's secretly a romantic and a geek. He knows that when she has her head tilted down slightly and the color is gone from her face that she's lying. He knows her...inside and out.

So he must know how much she loves him right? He has to because it radiates out of her heart and spreads onto him, encompassing him tightly. She expresses it in everything she does and everything she says. It's in the way she kisses him the way she touches him. The way his name roles off her tongue. It's in every promise, every laugh, every smile, every waking moment they spend together.

God, she loves him.

And it kills her.

It kills her that every time, every susceptible moment she gets to say those 3 little words she chokes. Her stomach drops, her heart races, her palms sweat, her throat closes, and then the moments lost...

The truth is she's scared. Yeah, she's ready to be with him, he's always been the one she's wanted to dive into it with. But after climbing that latter and staring down into that ocean of love and romance and purity and him and her and them. She froze. Too much love. She can't say it.

She's scared because she knows he loves her too. He knows her too well and having him pay so much attention is scary. She knows that once she says it, there's no more running, no more hiding, and complete vulnerability. Complete exposure. Outright nakedness. _And she's scared_. How much her loves her, how much she loves him.

She wants to say it. She yearns to say. It's right there on the tip of her tongue dying to break free desperately clawing at the prison that is her lips. But she can't voice it.

God, they've been together a month! It's still new and fresh. But she wants to say it. She wants to say everything that she feels for him but even when in a relationship they don't do that. They don't speak openly about this. And what would he say after she lied about hearing him saying it first? How would he react? And now she hates herself because these are questions she'll never have the answers to.

A part of her really wants to say "fuck it" and just yell it at him. But then her throat clogs and her voice can't even produce a whisper.

_I love you_

Three simple words. Three of the easiest words to say in the American language but they mean so much more than simplicity. She's terrified of the deeper meaning behind those words. Of all the promises she's not sure she'll be able to keep, of where the "I love you" leads. She's already scared to be with him so she's terrified of the next step.

But maybe that's a good thing...

No it's cowardly. First she pretends not to hear him and now she can't even say it back when she knows it's how she feels!

She's so weak.

_Typical_. Typical Kate Beckett.

_I love you_

No. She can't say it. She wants to but can't. Because she's scared. And it hurts. She loves him too much.

And so she takes this opportunity. It's right there. She can feel it bubbling up ready to be spoken but then warm, deflated, muffled air is all that's released.

She can't say it.

She loves him, body, soul, and mind. Forever. Always. But she's still scared.

She turns, sees the door and runs for it.

It kills her and now it's killing her more.

She can't say it. Because she's scared. She loves him but he deserves someone stronger, someone who can say what he so desperately needs to hear. She can't be that person.

So she runs.

Because she's scared. And it kills her.

He deserves better.

And so she runs, and runs and runs and runs and runs and runs.

_Because she's scared..._

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**Please review. I would honestly love to hear what you think. Thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

She's running. The wind in her hair, whipping past her ears. All she can hear is his desperate pleas for her to stay. But she ignores them because she's too busy running, running away from the love of her life, from all the happiness she always wished she could've found. She's scared and she doesn't know what to do. It's like the worst brain fart a human being could possibly have. At first she stood there, staring at him, speechless, inert, and then primal instinct kicked in. She chose flight.

She blames her tears on the cool fall wind blowing into her eyes. Because there is no way she is crying about leaving him. Leaving him standing there in his apartment looking heartbroken and confused and disappointed and rejected and defeated and smashed and fractured. No she can't be crying over that. Because having done such a thing to him will break the last bit of stability and lucidness she has left. She can't break her own heart too.

But _didn't_ she? She broke it the second she considered running out that door. If she feels like this she could only imagine the pain he's in. Oh God, what the hell has she done?!

She knew from the beginning that he was the one, her one and done. And now she's lost him and its all her fault. She wants to fix this she needs to fix it because she needs him or else she will lose her mind. He's been her source of comfort and strength and _sanity_. Whenever she was about to fall, the split second before she obeyed the laws of gravity, he caught her. Every time. So it makes sense for her to yearn to fix this catastrophe. This prodigious amount of mess. And the only way she knows how is the same reason she ran. She's scared.

Those words get caught in her throat all the time but she feels it. She feels her love for him run deeply in every inch of her body. Every time she lays her eyes upon him she gets smacked in the face with a reminder of how much she does love him. She's never experienced love like this before and she doesn't know how to handle it. And it kills her because she wants nothing more than to tell him exactly that but her own damn insecurities are stopping her.

_It's Castle!_ She tells herself to may be bring herself more comfort but then she has to remind herself that it is Castle. Castle, the man who on more than one occasion has risked his life to save her. Castle, the man who waited four years just for her to admit that she did feel their connection and it wasn't just in his head. Castle, the man who has been here! Through everything and never once left her side. He's was there when she opened her mothers case again and he was there when it took everything in her to walk away. He was her rock and her shoulder through the bad times. And all the good times he was the one making them good. His smile and his childishness keeping her laughing and of it all, hopeful for better days.

Better times where she can wake up in the morning and not feel the hole in her chest-literal and emotional- and not feel so alone. Better times when she can allow herself to open up and love another like never before and allow herself to be loved by another like no one else. Better times where she doesn't have to hide and cower in a corner from what she feels and lie about them. Better times when she can walk up to the man she loves and kiss him without hesitation. Better times when she can look into Richard Castle's eyes and say those words that are constantly racing through her mind, that are seared into her mind every moment of everyday.

She needs to tell him or she will never find the peace in mind she's been searching for. Thoughts of what she's doing to him now will never cease, she will always feel heartbroken, guilty. And she can't live like that. She needs to tell him but she just doesn't know how. How does she say those words to him? He's far to important to her for just a plain "I love you" it has to be _much much_ more than that. If she tells him those three words than she needs to tell him everything. Everything from the beginning to now that she's felt. All the emotions she's kept bottled up, but she can't. But God does she want to.

_What the hell is wrong with me?!_

This is one problem Kate Beckett doesn't know how to fix. The one problem she can't take head on but that's the only way she knows how to execute her problems. That and uh...running.

She stops running when she reaches familiar ground and she just wants to break down and cry because the odds of her stopping here are one and a million because this is New York. Of all places she ended up here and it kills her more because its reminding her of what she just left of the promise she made him here. And now she's done. She breaks down to her knees and lets it out. The tears are burning their way down her cheeks, flooding her eyes more and more by the second. It hurts. It's like stabs wounds on your chest, a bullet to the heart. Nothing but pain. Pure heartache.

Something catches her eye as she looks up and what she sees is the most beautiful thing in the world and then she sees the tears in his eyes and she cries more. Her intention wasn't to hurt him but to protect her self. Because she's selfish. He hasn't said those words to her since her shooting and maybe he hasn't said it to her again because he's scared. And now she hates herself even more and she didn't think that was possible.

Then something extraordinary happens. Her feet are making their way over to him and she can feel her excitement building. If she can't say it now then she never will. She crosses the street and meets him face to face. And right now, in this moment, staring into his deep blue eyes the words don't form. She panics and doesn't know what to do. His eyes burned onto her is too much, she can't take it.

_I love you_

It right there but there's so much more she needs to say. But those three words right now would suffice. She has the rest of her life to tell him just how much he means to her. He proposed just an hour ago and in her mind she said yes but she can't voice anything. And so she continues to panic with him with her right now. She backs away, still holding his gaze.

Neither can hear anything, just their raging heart beats. They can't see anything other than each others pleading eyes. She wants to speak up so she's pleading with herself and he just wants her to stop walking away from him. So he steps foreword and she steps back. And they continue this dance until he speaks. He tells her that its okay and that he understands she's not ready yet. _But it's not okay! _He shouldn't have to be put through this simply because she can't say what she longs to. It's wrong for him to keep waiting.

He begs her to back home and she says nothing. She's working up the courage to say it and she feels it. One last bit of strength to speak the words he's waited four and a half years waiting to hear. The words are rising to the surface, she can taste them, she can feel the tingle of them on her lips. It's there. It's right there. She opens her mouth to speak those words but before she can get them out he's gone.

What?

It takes a minute for what happened to register in her mind. While they were doing their dance she stepped out onto the street and he followed. Neither of them heard the honking or the desperate pleas of the pedestrians yelling at them to move. But now it's too late, he's gone. The truck took him to another land where he's loved by everyone.

She cries, painful hard tears that hurts the ears of people who don't know. She was about to say it!

If only she hadn't been so cowardly and said it! If only she had just manned up and spoke those goddamn words! He would still be here, they would be celebrating their engagement. But they aren't because she wasn't strong enough to voice how she feels. And now she feels as if she doesn't deserve to live because it wasn't his fault. But all she can do is blame herself and cry. Because now she is truly alone and left to to fend for herself. Her one and done is _**DEAD**_. And now so is she...inside.

She's immovable. She just falls on her face and cries because that's all she can bring herself to do. It's all her fault. _So she just cries..._

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**Let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Last chapter! Let me know what you think of it as a whole?**

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She's crying. Not only has she just lost the man she loves but she's lost her best friend. She looks over at him, lying there in the street, bleeding out, dying. She doesn't know how but she somehow she managed to move herself over to him. She wanted to apologize she wanted him to know how sorry she was but his eyes were closed.

Was he shutting her out? Or was he just unconscious? _Maybe he's just dead!_

Her emotions are everywhere all at once and she's unsure of what to feel. Abandoned? Angry? Lonely? Stupid? Frustrated? Pained? Devastated? Ravaged? Irrevocable?

She thinks she just about feels every negative emotion possible that a human being could feel over a loss and of self hatred. It's amazing how someone you love can be there one second then gone in the next. She was so close to telling him and she was going to do it this time. Her throat didn't close, it opened wide allowing her to finally speak. This close and then...he was gone...

She doesn't remember how but she ends up back at her apartment. They took him to the hospital he's still alive. She wanted to shower and clean herself up. But all she can bring herself to do is cry. There's so much guilt eating away at her. And she should feel guilty for causing this to happen.

She should feel bad everyday for the rest of her life for almost killing the man she loves for putting him in a tremendous amount of pain. She wants it to eat at her she wants to feel the pain seep into her because no matter how much it hurts her he feels worse.

She's dressed now standing inert in her apartment. She wants to go out and see him but she's not sure if she deserves it. She wants to see him but she wants to punish herself too. She will. She's gonna punish herself because what she did to him is unforgivable and she deserves the worst form of punishment.

She's standing in the doorway staring at him while he's asleep in the hospital bed. He looks so quiet, so small and vulnerable. And it was her fault. But she couldn't think about this now, she would punish herself later. Right now she needs to be there for him because he's always there for her. She took his hand and she waited.

She wasn't going to leave either. She was there with him for the whole two weeks it took for him to wake up. She had her head down at the time when she felt his hand squeeze hers.

When she looked up into the those beautiful ocean deep blue eyes her heart melted and she couldn't control the tears that began flooding her eyes.

He said hey. Hey, and he was smiling. He wasn't angry at her? But he should be. She nearly got him killed.

He told her it wasn't her fault and that he heard the honking but chose to ignore it because he didn't want her to run again. He saw the truck coming but thought he could grab her and get out the way before it hit. He blamed himself but he was happy to see she was fine.

But she wasn't because she couldn't let him think it was his fault. But he shut her up each time she tried to protest. She would allow him this until he got better but it'll always be her fault.

And so she started crying, no sobbing at her own stupidity. She nearly got her fiancé killed because she couldn't tell him three simple words. Her fiancé. They are are engaged to be married and she has yet to speak the words. She laughed at herself.

Pathetic. She was just pathetic. And she laughed at herself. The laughter soon turned back into sobs that she couldn't contain. He squeezed her hand and tried to bring her closer but she pulled away. She looked him right in the eyes.

You know that gaging feeling you have when you throw up? That's what she was feeling but it was for words. Word vomit if you will.

It was coming. A large amount of word bile rising up. It's coming. Rising. And with each passing second she grew more and anxious more scared.

But she has to tell him not because he needs to hear it but because she scared and it kills her to have hidden it from him for so long.

And so the bile reaches her lips and she says everything she's always wanted to say to him. Every feeling, all emotions he's made her feel. She started with how she read his books after her mother died. She told him how much strength she drew from him during hard times.

It felt good to finally release all those feelings. But she was still scared. There was still so much more and he silently listened letting her talk. He was enjoying it. She was telling him everything that for the entire time they knew each other she felt it.

She stopped and bit her bottom lip. One more thing. She started with telling him that she read his books, and because she's scared she ended it with...

_"I love you."_

**Thanks for reading!**


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